Welcome to the November Carnival of Natural Parenting: What is natural parenting?
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our Carnival coincides with the launch of Natural Parents Network, a community of parents and parents-to-be who practice or are interested in attachment parenting and natural family living. Join us at Natural Parents Network to be informed, empowered, and inspired!
Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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When I went to work full time two months ago, I was not too worried about leaving my children (6, almost 4 and almost 1) in the charge of a nanny. We had never had one before but our kids have always done very well in the care of others — teachers, church nursery volunteers and our friends and relatives who have babysat for us.
I found a nanny on an online caregivers search site and brought her over to meet the kids and talk about our expectations. She had a baby just a bit older than mine and had previously worked at a day care and as a “homemaker” cooking and cleaning for people unable to do it for themselves. The kids liked her instantly and the first week or so went well.
Then little things started nagging at me. The kids were always watching TV when my husband got home. The kids could never tell me what they did all day. The nanny was telling us every day that the 3-year-old need a time-out, a discipline method we try to avoid but don’t rule out and told her she was allowed to use.
She is great with our baby but I’m worried about how she interacts with our older two. The more I’ve thought about it, my issues with her boil down to the fact that we practice natural and/or attachment parenting and she does not.
I’m not sure she has respected our wishes as outlined in our contract (which I created after we became concerned about the issues mentioned above). It’s hard to know for sure (without a nanny cam!) whether she is following our rules. But even if she follows them, it’s because we’ve set the rules, not because it comes naturally. I can’t just trust that she’ll make the right call if a situation arises that we haven’t addressed.
At first blush, you might not think a nanny can really practice attachment parenting with your children. After all, they are not going to nurse your baby or curl up next to your kids in bed or make health care decisions.
But some things you likely will want a nanny to do include:
*Responding with sensitivity
*Using nurturing touch
*Practicing gentle/positive discipline
*Using cloth diapers
*Using natural learning
*Preparing healthful snacks and/or meals
The first time I interviewed nannies, I was concerned with logistics — Can she cook? Can she drive the kids to gymnastics? When can she start and is she available for the hours we need? How much money does she need to make?
We are now beginning the process of finding a new nanny. This time we will be more concerned about her child-rearing philosophy.
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Stop by Natural Parents Network today to see excerpts from everyone’s posts, and please visit a few to read more! Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants. Three of the participants below will instead be featured on Natural Parents Network throughout the month, so check back at NPN!
This list will be updated by afternoon November 9 with all the carnival links. We’ve arranged it this month according to the categories of our NPN resource pages on “What Is Natural Parenting?”
Attachment/Responsive Parenting
Attachment/responsive parenting is generally considered to include the following (descriptions/lists are not exhaustive; please follow each link to learn more):
- PREPARE FOR PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND PARENTING:
- “Preparing for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting” — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes knows better now how to prepare for her second baby, focusing on attachment rather than nursery curtains. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 23. (@sheryljesin)
- “Begin at the Beginning” — Alison at BluebirdMama examines the first type of natural parenting she experienced: birthing at home. (@BluebirdMama)
- FEED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT:
- “Going With the {Tandem Milk} Flow” — Despite being told she would never be able to nurse her toddler through pregnancy, Jessika at Job Description: Mommy successfully nursed through her entire pregnancy, and she continues tandem nursing her two little ones fifteen months later! (@JobDescMommy)
- “Breastfeeding with Love and Respect” — Resisting the pressure to give up, breastfeeding was the way Dionna at NursingFreedom.org persisted in nourishing her son. (@NursingFreedom)
- “Why Should I Call It Extended?” — Amy at Toddler In Tow provides scientifically based research to support child-led weaning.
- RESPOND WITH SENSITIVITY:
- “Attachment Parenting Chose Us” — For a child who is born “sensitive,” attachment parenting is more a way of life than a parenting “choice.” Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares her experiences. (@CodeNameMama)
- “Parenting in the Present” — Acacia at Be Present Mama parents naturally by being fully present.
- “Parenting With Heart” — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment parents naturally because healthy attachments early in life help our little ones grow into healthy, functioning adults.
- USE NURTURING TOUCH:
- “Nurturing through touch” — Lauren at Hobo Mama finds that loving touch is a thread that runs through all her natural parenting practices. (@Hobo_Mama)
- ENSURE SAFE SLEEP:
- “Sometimes I Wish We Coslept” — Sheila at A Gift Universe has started to add cosleeping into her sleep routines and has found frequently unspoken benefits. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 30. (@agiftuniverse)
- PROVIDE CONSISTENT AND LOVING CARE:
- “Attachment Parenting . . . and Nanny Makes Three?” — When Jen at Grow with Graces first started interviewing nannies, she was looking for practicalities. After a few months with her first nanny, she’s going to hire someone new, and this time, she’ll make sure the nanny believes in AP principles. (@growwithgraces)
- “Do You Have This?” — For Rachael at The Variegated Life, natural parenting is about love and giving, rather than the alienation and longing present in so many in our Western culture. (@RachaelNevins)
- “What Natural Parenting Looks Like in Our Family” — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker shares what natural parenting is like as your little ones grow up.
- PRACTICE GENTLE/POSITIVE DISCIPLINE:
- “Unconditional Parenting” — The philosophy of Alfie Kohn resonates with Erin at Multiple Musings, who does not want to parent (or teach) using rewards and punishment. (@ErinLittle)
- STRIVE FOR BALANCE IN PERSONAL AND FAMILY LIFE:
- “Reducing Screen Time” — How does Mrs. H. at Fleeting Moments meaningfully connect with her kids every day? She turns off the TV.
- Also see our October Carnival all about finding balance!
Ecological Responsibility and Love of Nature
- “Healing Through Elimination Communication Part 1” — Amy at Innate Parenting explains how practicing elimination communication has helped her whole family gain awareness and healing in many areas of their lives. (@InnateWholeness)
- “Growing Out of Little Potties” — Stacy at Mama-Om is proud to be the “weird lady” who practices elimination communication with her babies. (@mama_om)
- “Let’s Talk Diapers” — Lindsey at Mama Cum Laude started using cloth diapers because she felt they were a safer choice for her child; she stuck with them because they are convenient.
Holistic Health Practices
- “Supporting Natural Immunity” — If you have decided against the traditional vaccination schedule, Starr at Earth Mama has some helpful tips for strengthening your children’s immune systems naturally.
Natural Learning
- “Acceptance as a Key to Natural Parenting” — Because Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog values accepting and responding to her daughter’s needs, she was able to unravel the mystery of her daughter’s learning “challenges.” (@myzerowaste)
- “Let Them Look” — Betsy at Honest 2 Betsy makes time to look at, to touch, and to drool on the pinecones.
- “Why I Love Unschooling” — Unschooling isn’t just about learning for Darcel at The Mahogany Way — it is a way of life. (@MahoganyWayMama)
- “Is He Already Behind?“Ever worry that your baby or toddler is behind the curve? Danielle at born.in.japan will reassure you about the many ways your little one is learning — naturally — every day. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 16. (@borninjp)
- “How to Help Your Child through Natural Learning” — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now offers tips on how to understand and nurture your child’s natural learning style. (@DebChitwood)
Healthy Living
- “What ‘Healthy Eating’ Means to Me” — Wonder how a family of five makes healthy eating a priority? Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares some common sense tips. (@sunfrog)
- “What is Natural Parenting? Embracing Real Food” — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! has always wanted to give her children the most nutritious foods possible: first through breastfeeding, and later through healthy, whole foods. (@bfmom)
Parenting Philosophies
- “Natural Parenting — Lazy Parenting” — To Olivia at Write About Birth, natural parenting isn’t about a fixed set of ideals, but about what is instinctual. (@writeaboutbirth)
- “I’m not the most crunchy, but I’m still au naturel” — Jessica at This is Worthwhile follows her gut and parents with respect, and that’s what feels natural to her. (@tisworthwhile)
- “Because Natural comes Naturally” — Breastfeeding, babywearing, cosleeping — Bess at mommakesmilk does these things because they feel right. (@MumtoEve)
- “What Do You Mean ‘Natural Parenting’?” — Luschka at Diary of a First Child fell into natural parenting by listening to her baby and her own instincts. (@lvano)
- “One Little Change at a Time” — Ashley at Domestic Chaos made one small change at a time until “natural parenting” wasn’t a punchline, but a way of life. (@ashleympoland)
- “WHY Attachment Parenting?” — While they might take some work to put into practice, Momma Jorje at A Slightly Crunchy Momma finds that all of the tenets of attachment parenting fit her family.
- “Yours, Respectfully” — For Kellie at Our Mindful Life, natural parenting is about being respectful: to yourself, your children, and your surroundings.
- “The Natural Parenting Label” — Michelle at The Parent Vortex explains that natural parenting is a mindset, not a set of specific choices or a few fancy acronyms. (@TheParentVortex)
- “When Our Children Are Grown” — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children parents naturally, because she is building a firm foundation for her children.
- “What is Natural Parenting to a Witch Mom?” — Lily at Witch Mom has planned out what she wants for her son, from health to socialization to interactions with the natural world. (@lilyshahar)
- “Attachment Parenting and Our Family” — Semi-crunchy Mama at Adventures in Mommyhood takes us through the way the Baby Bs have transformed their family of four. (@crunchymamato2)
- “I’m a Mama…Naturally” — Andrea!!! at Ella-Bean & Co. didn’t intend to parent naturally, but it happened by instinct.
Political and Social Activism
- “A Private Matter” — Amy at Anktangle, who is a Registered Nurse, describes her encounters with circumcision in a medical environment and why they guided her decision to leave her own baby boy intact. (@anktangle)
- “Natural Parenting, Following Our Instincts, and Keeping Our Son Intact” — Kelly at KellyNaturally went against the tide and refused to circumcise her son. (@kellynaturally)
- “Relying on Kindness” — Sure, Navelgazing Bajan at Navelgazing wants her son to be kind — but kindness is not enough. (@BlkWmnDoBF)
I wrote a list of questions to ask potential caregivers awhile ago, maybe it will help you: http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2010/03/18/finding-an-ap-friendly-caregiver/ I think my internal alarms would be going off too – good for you for being willing to make the change your kiddos need!!
Fabulous questions Dionna. I wish I had seen this before. We had to find our nanny in such a short time frame that I was very unprepared. I’m going to print your post out and discuss it with my husband.
Wow, this would be so hard. I’ve thought about hiring someone to give me a break for a few hours a week, but this is exactly the reason I’ve not been able to do it yet: How do you find someone you know will align with your beliefs about parenting? I wish you the best of luck in your search!
Oh how very stressful. I can’t imagine how it must feel to worry that your nanny does’t naturally fall in line with gentle parenting.
Best of luck finding the perfect person to care for your children!
Blessings!
I had the opposite problem! I was the AP nanny, in a family that didn’t really practice AP after 1 year. It was especially difficult when they were weaning the 1 yo and I was tandem nursing my 6mo and 2 1/2 yo. There are AP nannies, great caregivers who will lay down with your LO to soothe them down for a nap, babywear, support your BF relationship, and really care about your family!
Jen I’m so sorry you have to start a new search – but it is so so important to find the *right* person to help you with childcare…
I’m proud of you for taking the steps necessary to do what’s right for your family –
xoxo
Oh wow. I have worried about day care etc for safety and security reasons, but never even thought about the AP element of it. I’ve just assumed whoever looked after our daughter would do as we told them – foolish, in retrospect, as not even our families really agree! Best of luck with your search.
Yikes – I think my comment got eaten; my browser crashed. Okay, trying again!
We’ve had a nanny since our youngest was 4 months old. When we put out our advertisement, we indicated that a familiarity with and willingingness to practice attachment parenting was a REQUIREMENT for applying. Yes, it will limit your applicant pool, but its SO important, IMO.
We eveutally found our nanny through La Leche League – word of mouth is so important! This was a mother I’d known in passing, but after talking several times, realized we had really similar parenting philosophies, and she was looking for work! Voila!
Keep up your search – you WILL find someone who fits better with your family.
Thanks Kelly. I wouldn’t have thought to put that in the ad. Great idea.
I was the AP nanny for non-AP parents more than once. I remember one particularly horrible experience. The whole family seemed very strange and over-medicated, but the worst was how the mom told me to put her one-year-old to bed. “Just lay him down and walk out of the room,” she said. “He never cries for more than 15 minutes.”
I simply couldn’t do that. I rocked him and sang to him, and within 5 minutes he was out like a light. I couldn’t believe the mom hadn’t been willing to rock him for 5 minutes!
But it does go to show that a nanny will act based on her own ideas. In order to be sure the new nanny’s ideas actually jive with yours, I suggest you ask questions rather than dictating what you want. Of course a nanny will agree to whatever the parents want, but to be sure she actually is on the same page with you, ask questions like, “How do you put a baby down for a nap? What is your favorite discipline method?” and so forth, without letting her know what your expected answer is. It might mean you have to interview a lot of people, but when you find someone who gives the right answers, you’ll know they ACTUALLY agree with you and aren’t just parroting what you believe.
This sentence especially stands out for me: “But even if she follows them, it’s because we’ve set the rules, not because it comes naturally.” It’s why asking all the questions in the world and getting all the “right” answers does not matter if my gut tells me that something isn’t right. Enough “little things” nagged at me about our son’s previous day care that he is going to a new school now, and all of us are so so so much happier now. I wish you all the best in finding a new caregiver for your family.
One additional suggestion — when asking questions, try to ask specific questions based on her past experiences rather than general ones.
For example, “Tell me about a time a child became upset and was crying — how did the situation resolve?”
“Tell me about one of your favorite times with a child you’ve cared for.”
“Tell me about a challenge you’ve experienced while caring for a child.”
Etc…. They can be phrased in any way, but the point is to listen for how they talk about their experiences, how they talk about the children they care. That will tell you so much about their approach.
this was one of my major concerns when choosing our son’s babysitter when i returned to work. when i saw that our current sitter mentioned dr sears on her welcome page? sold. and we have been blessed to have had nothing but good experiences with her. she is very patient and sensitive to the kid’s needs, works with me on providing him my pumped breastmilk, cloth diapers, etc. i should send her flowers or something.
I’m Louisville, KY (shout out to the midwest!!) Luckily, I work on a scoohl campus that has a prescoohl (starting at age 1) through high scoohl and I will be taking full advantage of the 50% discount on tuition for employees that was one of the main reasons I took this job a couple years ago! Cost is $225 per week at the prescoohl for a full time mid August May program. Since its considered prescoohl, summer term isn’t included, but offered and since I’m a 12 month employee here I’ll be using it. Looking at infant care using a child care facility (my family is all in VA so no grandmas here to help) the costs averages around the same as the prescoohl rate of $225 per week some go up to $275 per week depending on location and facility. Sadly, from June 2012 through March 2013 will be a killer on our budget without the 50% discount
That is so interesting. I was concerned about the same things when seeking a babysitter for my son (which we never did find, but that’s another story). I would look at listings for babysitters and nannies and think, But they left off the important stuff! I know when we chose our son’s preschool, we asked our questions of concern, like about how they respond to crying, how much they expect children to fall in line with the routine vs. how much they allow free play, how tolerant they were of potty accidents and other spills, how much they force children to talk vs. letting them warm up gradually, and what methods of discipline they use. There are obviously still things I would do differently, but their honest answers that aligned for the most part with mine reassured me enough to trust my little one to their care.
I’ll say, too, speaking from my relationship with the nanny I know best — my sister-in-law, they tend to get very set in their ways of thinking they know what’s best for children because they have so much experience. So if they’re not already AP by nature, they’re not likely to change just to suit you, as you realized.
I wish you the best in your nanny search! I hope you find someone soon who’s absolutely the right connection for all of you.
Just curious: In there a website that specializes in matching AP nannies to AP families? Seems like some entrepreneurial mommy could make bank offering just such a service.
Doesn’t sound like there is!
Finding a good nanny is so important… and so difficult! I really sympathize with you. I, too, recently started leaving my kids (4 and 2 years old) with a babysitter regularly. We talked about parenting philosophies at length before I hired her, and she is a great match. I feel so lucky, and my kids always love to stay with her.
One great tip for interviewing babysitters or nannies I read somewhere online is to ask the candidate open-ended questions, without telling them your views first. That way, you can get a true sense of how they would communicate with your kids, rather than them just agreeing with you to get the job.
Good luck! I hope you find someone great!
Olivia
[...] Grow with Graces – Attachment Parenting … And Nanny Makes 3? discusses the value of choosing an alternate caregiver who shares your parenting [...]
perhaps she was surprised at the idea of her kid being wacehtd by a nanny when she was under the impression you would be the one home. I am not sure that I would have reacted very well either. I also am a full time working mom so I understand not being home during the week for play dates. But I don’t just drop my daughter off at peoples houses with caregivers that I do not personally know.I am sure your nanny is great, but don’t be butthurt that the mother was taken back by the suggestion of a stranger taking care of her children.
I have no idea what you are talking about as this post had nothing to do with play dates.